My last days couple of days of this fantastic journey here in
Bali, in the Ulan Watu area, in a hotel that I could only think in dreams, Mu, which actually got its name as according to a Hindu myth, it was a paradise which disappeared due to unknown causes. I am staying in a beautiful bungalow, next to a cliff with the sea in the horizon.
Today I finished E. Gilbert’s book, it was a good companion for this journey, it was good for me to see myself through her sometimes, and I could see sometimes
Bali through her eyes, I even got pissed off with the Balinese when Wayan was not buying the house! I also finished Siddartha, “ Om” the perfect and eternal word, the beginning and the end, the reach of purity and wisdom when you search for nothing.
I also visited the Ulan Watu temple by the cliffs, my last temple! Which we couldn’t enter only see the outside as they were about to start a ceremony. Back in Mu, by the pool, reading my new book on the history of
Bali, I skipped to the chapter of the ceremonies; it is such an outstanding culture the Balinese, rituals and ceremonies to clear evil spirits and bring offers and protection to the villages and families for the good spirits… black and white magic. It made me want to just stand up of my seat and go back to Ulan Watu to see one of those forbidden ceremonies for tourists! However I realized that the only thing I wanted was to have my own ceremony, my own kind of praying, of meditation of goodbye, doing it my way. So, I put on my t-shirt, shorts, my new tennis shoes I bought in Jogja, my ipod and run…. I ran up to a cliff just over a place called Dreamland beach, where I stood, perplexed, to the view, which was not outstanding, but just realizing I was there, I have fulfilled my dreams, I have accomplished my journey. I had protected myself from the evil and from insanity, I had taken good care of myself, I had really made this journey applying what I learned from the Company, I was doing every step safely, being sharp to maintain myself secure, taking care of my health which involved a lot of fastening!, and of course, this was an environmental trip, what more than self indulging with the marvels of nature!
While I was thinking about this my ipod, chose “Eclipse” for that moment (Pink Floyd again, who else), I sang the song or more, I caressed each of the verses of that song almost like praying.
After a while I decided to go back and for starting running back the chosen song by the bewitched ipod was “Lovers in Japan”, the rhythm just made me run as fast as I could with a big smile in my face, I just wanted to run and run with happiness “dreaming of the Osaka sun”, I jumped, and I remembered that day back on the 29th of August this year when I woke up in Hull, escaped through a window as I was locked in my friend’s house, and went running wearing my clogs through the Humber Riverside, listening to this song and just celebrating freedom. Today I was celebrating myself, who I am, what I am, the fantastic adventures to come, just loving this moment, just knowing that everything is finally, OK. Maybe demons will come back, but now I have the tools to fight them, my tranquillity and sense of steadiness and silence, are so powerful, that they can and they will take over.
Back on April the 11th, this year I woke up in Villa de Leyva at Lucia’s house. It was a Sunday, very early, I hadn’t been able to sleep, I was living in hell; I remember I wanted to crawl upstairs to talk to my father as when I was 8 with the Armero tragedy so that he could say magic words to me to heal my unstoppable bleeding wound. Instead I waited until 5:30 am, and went running through the condominium, with my ipod, looking for an answer. I went all the way to Villa de Leyva, talking to myself, to my Mum I even talked to Caro my friend from Psychology who passed away in 1998, and Diego my scout friend who died when he was 25, ghosts of my past, everything was so confusing, my life was in the darkness, so full of misery and tears, my heart was sinking and pleading an answer, I was torn by sadness and delirious dreams that made me desire to leave this planet for good. I just couldn’t see any future. I remember sitting in front of a little lake, and my ipod played “Love is the End” from Keane. I was devastated, just crying and crying, I just wanted him to come back to me so desperately. And the song, at that time when I heard it was somehow saying “please take it back, don’t let it die because love is the end”.
Today as part of my ritual, as I have been avoiding that song for a long time just to avoid remembering that decadent moment of deep sorrow, I went to the Bingin beach to see the sunset, and I played the song again. I listened, in a different way to the song:
“Now is the time of our comfort and plenty these are the days we have been working for” “nothing can touch us and nothing can harm us now and nothing goes wrong anymore ” (…) “singing a song (…), this is the way I would like to remember you by”, “ it would not come again because love is the end”.
“There is nowhere to go but home”.
One of the things I get most puzzled by is when I am filling up forms at the airports and they ask for my address. I don’t have an address. I don’t have a home. But I do, I am sort of like the snail at the moment, a backpacker, carrying my home, I am my home, home is where I am, where I want to be, where my dreams are, I belong to my dreams. I will build my own and different home now, in a different place, possibly a different city. But first I would go back to my homeland, and have my own special ritual to say goodbye to my past, but with all the support from my family and my friends, even family members and friends that suddenly “raised back from the dead”, people I thought I had lost forever but they rang my doorbell to show me how much they cared and how much support I have. My family, my guardian angels, each of them a loyal protector and advisor, who have suffered and cried with me through this difficult road, they are the healers within me, their love is my daily food.
They have bounced the drum in Mu to inform dinner is ready.
Thank you all for following my blog, I carried all of you in my heart and remembered each one of you through my journey, each of your names was blessed by the holiness of
Borobudur. All your words and hugs have given me the comfort for being able to stand up here where I am, “staring straight into the shinning sun”, and for all that I am thankful for life!
From Ulan Watu,
Bali, an embracing hug that crosses many countries and oceans to each one of the readers.
Terima kasih, Selemat Jalan!